Mean. Drunk. Witch.

Not a totally inaccurate description of yours truly, I hate to admit. The year was 2010, I drank and partied literally, every day. My diet was McDonalds, Bud Light, and Burnette's, and I was a bitter shit show.

I broke up with my ex then felt entitled to be a huge bitch when he didn't want to get back with me. No worries, we got back together eventually. And boy did I reap what I had sowed! Nothing like living with your boyfriend, only to find out he's fucking around behind your back!

So I looked through his phone, sue me. He shouldn't have been a man whore. Don't give me a reason to look through your stuff you shady little shit head.

I'm not bitter.

Lol, anyway, back to 2010. Before all that cell phone drama, before living together, we were fresh out of our freshman year of college. I moved back in with my parents and went on a drunken rampage. Except, he was sleeping around, and I wasn't. And I was all butt hurt. Blah blah.

So I called him out. Like dude, we live in a small town, enough said.

"You're just a mean drunk witch," he messaged me via text.

I actually laughed out loud. Truuuuuuuuue.

"Thanks, I'mma use that as my twitter handle in 5 years."

Ok I didn't say that, but if I got anything out of our torturous 10 year saga (yes an actual 10 years on/off all wasted on one pos. Hey, you get together, get drunk, catch up, and...you know, woops) it was that name.

I thought it had a ring to it.

I was just remembering when I use to binge on Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, Five O'clock (UGH), Burnette's, the liquor list goes on. I feel like that's a more college thing. I'm in my mid 20s, I can't be going to pound town with the liquor anymore, unless I feel like dying and shitting my pants for 2 days straight.

Not usually high on my agenda. People who can drink liquor straight all the time I don't know about them. Like how? How do you survive life? Is your colon still in tact? Are you a human?

Not only can I not physically handle liquor, mentally I just get fuckin' crazy.

You want to see me get weird, hand me some gin and tonics and tell me about it tomorrow.

It really sickens me where America is now. Never working together towards a healthy, empathetic and loving goal. Always working against each other for money and/or power. Where did all these selfish, rude, and racist people come from? How is there so much support for such a pompous, insensitive megalomaniac?

If we all realized that once our current physical life is over, nothing will matter except how you treated others. What drives someone to hate a certain group of people, based off the actions of a small percentage of those people? Somehow we don’t all hate white mentally ill men. Whether you believe you’re doing it for the right reason, being prejudice, racist, rude, insulting, insensitive, or hurtful is NEVER right. How can people be filled with such hate and ignorance? Hate = ignorance. We need to build each other up, not break each other down.

There's many great things about America. I love it, but there are many not so great things. I hope we are all voting for equality, peace, and empathy next fall. The world has enough sadness, war, despair.... Don't fight fire with fire. We still have much to learn.


I know I may make jokes making fun of someone, but I don't mean anything as genuinely mean. I consider myself stereotypically observant.... But these other people are assholes. They need to gtfo.


cheers
-Kladge

Oh yeah, wrote the blog and forgot I needed a title :/

Since I am uncomfortably familiar with balling on a budget, I thought I would share my wisdom I have gained for saving money for the 2-3 people who actually read this. These are mainly for females, but I'm sure you conniving assholes out there can manipulate these tips to your advantage.


#TeamSingle Broke Tip 1: Date about 2-3 different guys, go out on dates 3-4 times a week. That covers 3-4 dinners every week that you won't have to pay for!
Broke Tip 2: For Tip 1 to work, DON'T DATE GUYS WHO ARE AS BROKE/BROKER THAN YOU. Big no no. Just stop.
Broke Tip 3: Break up with all these guys before Christmas. The reasons are obvious.
Broke Tip 4: OR marry the richest guy out of them all and be set for life.


Personally, I am not one who likes to depend on a guy for...well, anything actually. I am a self sufficient woman. A broke, sad, lonely woman, but independent!
Well I suppose I would probably be a smelly scraggly hobbit living under a bridge if it weren't for my dad. So I guess everything I just said there is a lie. I trust ONE guy and am far from self sufficient lololol.
Fuck.


Broke Tip 5: Live at home until you can afford not to.
I should have followed this tip and did not... probably why I'm so good at these broke tips....
My ex used to annoy me because he lived in his parents basement. I'm like you're 23 gtfo. He also annoyed me because he was a pompous egomaniac, who didn't have a car, license, nor the ability to satisfy in bed.
Did I say that? Oops.
Anyway, dating him was like dating a 12-year-old, so I flicked that terd out of my life. But I grew to understand that just because I didn't want to live with my parents doesn't mean other people should not want to save up and stay with theirs, for the time being.
Key words; "for the time being".
My ex was starting to remodel his parents basement to better fit his needs. I'm like ???? save that money and go get your own damn place? What the fuck are you thinking?


If a guy you date is in his early/mid 20s and still lives at home, give him a break.
If he's a 30-year-old dickhead piece of shit and uses his parents basement as a marijuana dispensary, well the hook up can be nice but if he's fully capable of venturing out on his own... what is he waiting for? Let's go.
Sorry, can you tell I know a guy just like that who I hate? Because I do. His whole family is just fucked and I'm not even sure how I got involved in all that.
Alcohol, I blame the alcohol.
I should've stabbed him and buried him in my back yard when I had the chance. Just a horrible human being we don't really need him.
Ok ok ok I would never actually stab and murder someone...at least I wouldn't admit it on here.
All right I am done with him...for this blog anyway.


My mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas the other day.
"Razors...and tampons."
"Do you want me to individually wrap each tampon?" she asked.
"Nah... you can if you want but I'm just gonna stick it in my vagina so -"
"Oh my god that's sick! I can't believe you're my daughter."
I gave her a sideways glance.
"Ok, maybe I can."
But I mean it's the truth, and they're already individually wrapped amirite?


Winter drinking hack: gloves can double as beer cozies.
Cheers
-Kladge/Mean drunk witch


Next blog I'll explain the mean drunk witch name sake ;)

Tomorrow is Thanksigivng am I allowed to like Christmas yet?

Give me a break! I am sick of all these Christmas curmudgeons all pissed off about anything Christmas happening before Thanksgiving.

Do you pay attention to life? It sucks ass! If I died and went to hell I would be sitting at work like I am right now.

Ok perhaps not, the point is that Christmas is fucking great. Screw everyone who gets all Grinch/Scrooge/Simon Cowell about Christmas. It's the one time of year we can be selfless, make others happy, relax, be cozy, get drunk with family, the list goes on. Christmas is a jovial bright happy musical majestic holiday. And if I want to decorate November 1st so what!!! Why are we minimizing the time we celebrate Christmas?

Shit I'd rather put my tree up November 1st and be holly jolly as fuck all the way until New Years than be all like "wah wait til Thanksgiving" and be one of THOSE that goes out shopping on Black Thanksgiving (which it totally is now, you can't deny it. Stores are open on Thanksgiving day WTF).

Let me listen to my damn music and hang my damn lights and stockings and whatever the fuck I want. They are decorations, they don't need to personally offend you.

My dad got upset that my ringtone was All I Want for Christmas is You. I'm like are you for real? I've worked for your Christmas lighting business since I could crack open a beer are you shitting me? It's your fault I even like Christmas this much. We start the season in August - maybe my tree should go up then? For fuck's sake, and for the record, my tree isn't even up yet.

Don't you hate it when you go to the store and you buy something, like a Christmas tree, and the box shows this succulent, gorgeous tree and you're like shit yeah ok. Take it home and like it's a bundle of sticks. And you're looking at these sticks like...what are thooooooose. No idea how these green twigs are going to look like any sort of tree. Nothing wrong with a Charlie Brown tree except that I paid for this luscious looking mother fucker on the box. False advertising!! Or maybe that's what I get for getting a Christmas tree at Dollar General.

Anyway....

I'm not trying to negate Thanksgiving by going straight from Halloween to Christmas. I love Thanksgiving, and the squash, stuffing, pumpkin pie, cranberries, turkey, champagne, and whatever the fuck else people eat/drink on Thanksgiving, it's great! I got my little Santa decorations up with my pumpkin decorations - bitch, WHAT?! Thanksgiving is the tits; I love a good food coma by the fire place, feeding my cat scraps of turkey, and listening to my parents argue. Togetherness with family, whether good or bad, is familiar. And familiar is comforting. And that's why I love the holidays.

Winter is cold and bleak and as soon as the holidays are over we have 2-3 months of dead, frozen, tundra to look forward to. I will milk this time of year for as much as it's worth. And if you say shit to me about it I'll strangle you with a string of lights.

Merry fucking Christmas.

"I don't hate you because you're fat. You're fat because I hate you."

I had mistakenly assumed I had fulfilled my car accident quota for the next ten years. More like the next month. Watch out for the deer out there my fellow Michiganders - they are little shit fuckers. I think I hit the biggest effin hulk-deer in all Washtenaw County. Aaaaand my insurance claimed my car as totaled - so I'm just a pro at totaling cars. So if you ever need pointers, I'm your lady!


FML.


Winter brings the deer and the cold and I am over these little antlered terds running amok. Get out of the fucking road! How many thousands of deer must be hit by cars til yall learn that roads are dangerous? Stupid deer! I thought evolution was a thing! Why are the deer still retarded? Get your shit together.
And thus ends my irrational "I hate deer" rant. I used to be sad for deer being hunted this time of year.
Now I'm like kill them all.


I heard bad things happen in 3's and I'm like omg no! Stop! God or whoever is up there just stop already - give me a fucking break. If I was anxious about driving after my first accident, now I wanna poop my pants every time I get in the driver's seat. Well that's either the anxiety or the shit ton of coffee I drink every day.




Now that I am thousands of dollars in debt, I feel I'm finally learning how to not waste my money on clothes and booze all the damn time. My parents, worried about my finances, asked me if I had a drug problem.
LOL. Wut
I'm just irresponsible and drink like it's my job. And it's not a drug problem - it's a drug solution. My parent's don't know shit.
I don't know if their inquiry was 100% serious, but it gave me a good chuckle.
Maybe if I sold drugs I wouldn't be so damn broke all the time.


I can't believe I've racked up over a grand on my Cabelas credit card. That's right - Cabelas, because in my town, you're pretty much forced to have one to live here. My coworker and I chortled over the idea of every new born in my little hick town automatically getting a Cabelas card.
We love camo and guns and drinkin beer and fuck you!!
Lol idk, I can make fun of it all I want but I do love it out here. I much prefer the quiet country over the hectic city. I need all the space I can get for my drugs and gun and car accidents and you know.
I'm just winning at life.


My friend told me I had such bad luck, the only thing good in my life were my looks. I guess it's pretty accurate.


Trying to figure out if I have anything else to vent about. I feel like that's all I do on here.
My coworker just asked me about a patient, "why don't you date him? Or is he too young for you?"
I replied, "it's not so much age...but more that he has a penis. I hate everyone - I'm gonna be asexual."
She laughed but I'm almost serious. Fuck this dating shit, bring on the cats. That's right, no shame in being the crazy cat lady. Honestly think it's my calling. Cats need love too!
Whatever, I hate everything.




Cheers!
Kladge

Wondering if I need to change my blog name if I'm no longer single

...nahhhhh

I have recently embarked on a impromptu experiment. Completely by mistake. I had previously wondered what it would be like, being a 20-something-year-old in 2015, and NOT have a cell phone.
Not that I would ever purposefully follow through with such ponderings, but my forgetfulness had something else in mind.
Airports are a shit show for my anxiety. I was being dropped off at the ATL airport and, unfortunately for me, I left my phone in my friends car. That was Monday - it is now Friday, and I still don't have my phone.
So far I have survived. I'm the girl at the bar, taking selfies with my MacBook, (hand-outstretched, the whole sha-bang. I looked really cool too). I'm utilizing various forms of communication outside of texting; Twitter message, Facebook chat, Gmail (yes, I'm actually emailing again! I feel like it's 2002).
I carry around my MacBook like it's 1993 with one of those huge ass car phones like they had in the movie Wall Street or some shit. I don't have GPS or the weather forecast when driving. I was driving into this storm the other day like, "Damn that looks dark...October is too late for tornadoes, right? I fuckin hope so." Praying ol' Twisty doesn't come blow me away.
Wow I just ate this Tootsie roll, and I think it's been sitting in this drawer for 2 years, gross.
Whatever I'm hungry.

Speaking of food, last Thursday I flew down to ATL, and I was like whatever, just eat 2 medibles, fuck it.
It was around the time we were taxiing, about to take off, that it hit me how high I actually was. Appropriate, not only was I physically high but also mentally. Can't decide if it was the best or worse idea. I have an irrational fear of flying, and on the way to ATL I was very calm, relaxed. On the way home, however, I was anxious and tense, which probably had a lot to do with my misplaced cell phone and less with the medibles (what else am I supposed to do in an airport, with no phone, NOT eat 13 medibles? Give me a break).

I didn't eat 13 in one setting, just FYI. That would be fucked.


-Kladge

This whole leaves changing color thing is nice. But the cold, can you not? Go back to Canada or whatever.

IWell I've had an unfortunately entertaining last few weeks, thus the lack of blog posts.


I was driving home late one night in a storm, hit some pot holes on a dirt road while driving too fast, and rolled my car 2-3 and crashed in a ditch and hit some rocks. Luckily I walked away with a scratch. I could have easily died that night.
This experience has led me to re-evaluate my life, life in general, and those I keep close to me.
It isn't the easiest event for me to discuss, I beg anyone who reads this to think before driving recklessly. I obviously wasn't out on the prowl, looking to wreak havoc, but you don't need to be to do what I managed to.
Life is precious, make it worth it. And ALWAYS wear your seatbelt. Forever. 
Also, Chevrolet Trailblazers are beasts of vehicles, and if you want to win a vehicle accident like I did, I have my old Trailblazer (aka hulk) to thank for my life. That car took me through the windy flat lands of Texas, through rain storms in the mountains of Colorado, and saved me in the severe Tornado producing storm I ran into in Nebraska (nearly shit my pants). That fucking car took me all over and ALWAYS kept me safe - til it's end.
Getting teary-eyed over a car, whatever, that's the end of my Eulogy for Hulk. Forever missed, loved, and appreciated xox.


I've been re-reading one of my favorite books, "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian Weiss. Such a great book for those struggling with the idea of life and death. It has changed me. Do we have past lives? Does our soul go on? I mean, I suppose it's a nice thought. I've had discussions with my room mates from whether the soul goes forward in time (or can we be reborn in a past life?) to our dreams being glimpses into our soul's past. The book discusses how souls travel in packs - souls we are close to now, we probably knew in our past life. Parents now could have been siblings, children, friends, or spouses in our past. Have you ever had a dream with your sibling and you knew it was them, but it didn't look like them? Or have you ever been home in your dream, but it looked different?
Also random off topic question - what makes us older, time or gravity? In asking this, I was thinking of how people can travel in space, without gravity, and not age as much as someone on earth.
WHY, I have questions I want answers dammit.
Y'all can think whatever about that, whether it's a crock of shit or not, whatevz.


So from sad, to philosophical, to a funny rant about how I really really really just fucking hate Comcast. I've worked in customer service, I'm never directly cruel to anyone that I've communicated with but my god, inept much? I have so many insults on deck when I call or emails those fuckers Alas, I refrain. They're probably making shit money to talk to a bunch of assholes all day. Their jobs suck as much as the service does.
But like come on. Nothing makes a first world person in 2015 more irate than no TV and shitty internet. I literally threw stuff the other night I was so pissed.
It's been a frustrating month. Being broke and carless for 3 weeks didn't help.
I've probably called/emailed Comcast...10 times in the past month.... Grow some fucking ears, one of your experts said I needed a new box, easy solution would have someone come hook it up? No, they send people who dk wtf they're doing, then say they'll send someone else and they don't show, then send another shitty box via snail mail that doesn't work.. Like, riddle me that. Just send someone competent or I'm gonna get a shit truck (like from Back to the Future) and drive it through their damn store front. Making me jump through hoops to get service that I should have automatically SINCE I'M PAYING THEM.
Hello.
Anyone have any review of DirecTV? Dish? I'm in the market. Because fuck this.
Fuck! Ok I'm done.


So I went to the Michigan game last weekend, and I'll be damned! 38-0?? Yeehaw! Still feeling like the Wolverines are a little too privileged with the whole Harbaugh thing, but fuck it! I'm liking this whole shut out thing, and being excited about going to games instead of dreading them. "Northwestern and their unparalleled defense." Psh, as if. Smell ya later. I am excited to be going to the Michigan / Michigan State game this weekend at the Big House. Hell fuckin yeah I'm gonna get drunk as shit and cheer the loudest! Because duh! Go blue!
I'd cheer for my own alma mater but they suck ass so....


That's it for now, planning on writing again sooner this time


xo
Kladge

Why you actually don't hate winter/fall

Opposed to popular belief, I think that hell is actually really really fucking cold. And instead of hell, it's actually referred to as "winter".
I hate the cold, I hate being out in it, I hate driving in it, I hate shivering all the time, I hate all this polar tundra vortex bull shit. H-A-T-E
I don't think I'm alone with these thoughts, but I got to thinking... the weather cooling down isn't all completely horrible...I suppose...if I think really hard...and have a few drinks, everything seems better.


Reasons why we shouldn't completely hate winter:


1. Football season -
I mentioned my love of football in a previous post. I may be outside for games /tailgates freezing my tits off, but the game makes it worth it. I think I speak for many of us.
As for those I don't speak for (football haters), tailgates/football parties are fun. Having an excuse to get shit wrecked with your friends and eat chips and salsa can't be a completely bad thing. I like having a reason to drink so I don't look like more of a drunk than I already do.


2. Winter wardrobe -
Ladies can probably relate to this more. ("Yay, I didn't spend a shit ton on those Ugg boots for nothing!").
I really like my winter coat. It's so comfy I could be buried in that thing I've already had multiple occasions where I've passed out...sober...in it. (Yes, extremely sober). You want a winter coat that means business hit up Eddie Bauer. After Christmas they usually have better deals (expensive but comfortable sooo it evens out).


3. Christmas -
Christmas is a happy time of year unless you go to a shopping center, or have to spend time with extended family that you'd just rather not. Just chug the Bailey's and hope for the best.
Christmas parties are fun, especially when it's just you and your pets and the trash can is full of wine bottles and you're passed out in the kitchen. (That hasn't happened to me, ever!.....) ((It was beer not wine)).
Online shop, oh my god online shop. Black Friday is the devil and if you're one of those who goes out on Thanksgiving night to get shit then shame on you, and the stores having people work. What is wrong with people?


4. Skiing/Snowmobiling/other freezing outdoor activities -
Some people like that shit. I don't, so I don't have much of an opinion on it. I'd rather be inside watching Weeds on Netflix cuddled with my cat. But I guess it's fun...? (I think I'd be better at writing a blog about the parallels of winter with Satanism).


5. It can be pretty -
For all you avid photographers, the scenery can be nice, if you're inside and warm and not out in it. Windows were a great fucking invention let me tell you.
But seriously, all the icicles with the sun shining on the snow and shit, I like that. Not that sun comes out, ever, between November-February but if you catch those elusive moments, kudos.


6. Well I am drawing a blank. I have tried to think of good things about winter so tears aren't freezing to my face for 4 months. I might add more reasons as time goes on, but I take way too long to posts these damn things so....


Cheers! Just get really drunk/high/hibernate and the winter won't seem as bad. It's still gonna suck dick, but not as much dick.
Don't leave your beers outside over night! Unless they're shitty light beers...then it doesn't matter.


Kladge

"I'd rather spend money than time"

Hoping everyone had a lovely holiday weekend. Mine was definitely multi-faceted...we don't need to get into that.

I highly recommend visiting the Keweenaw Peninsula in Michigan for anyone who has never been.
Late summer is prime time - the ice cold Mother Superior is completely thaw by then (still numbingly cold, but since you're numb you can't feel it :)

Visited three new breweries on my trip this weekend; Ore Docks Brewery in Marquette Mi, Brickside Brewery in Copper Harbor Mi, and Dead Bear Brewery in Grayling Mi. (Can you tell I'm from Michigan?)
I would have to say Ore Docks was my favorite. The nice weather helped - they have a small outside seating area, which the inside seating area opened up to. I bought a stemmed beer glass for $5 with a sticker included. The only beer I tried was their Saison which was as good as I could have ever hoped. There was bar service only - I really enjoyed the atmosphere there. And it was right down the street from Marquette's actual ore docks, used in the 1800s to haul iron ore. Michigan was actually one of the highest producing states of iron ore back then.
There's your history lesson of the day.
Brickside was small yet quaint, I was recommended to try their Porter which was yummy. Not usually a dark beer drinker, but I liked it. I think they should get some more space in there! Not sure how much area they're dealing with it, but for a brewery in Copper Harbor I thought it was great.
Dead Bear Brewery opened less than a year ago (last Halloween, 2014). The bartender informed me that they have been doing very well. Another brewery has opened down town as well. They have many local beers on tap, but not many of their own at the moment. Their menu has LOTS of options (I had the salmon - it was delicious!). Over all it was a pleasant experience. They're sampler holder was pretty awesome too. And it's right across the boulevard from the cheapest gas station in Grayling - hooray!
I can't wait to write about all the breweries I go to in Grand Rapids (less than a month away)!

I've been delaying posting this because I want to add pictures, so how about I just do that later?
Ok that sounds good. Do you have any good breweries in Michigan you think are worth a visit (or definitely NOT worth a visit)? Comment on here and let me know! I love traveling to new beer :)
Cheers
Kladge

What white girls love about fall

All hail, the season for pumpkin spice everything, sweater weather, and incessant IG posts of changing leaf colors is approaching.


While all the other girls are at Starbucks buying their lattes, at the department stores getting the latest greatest Ugg boot, or picking a filter, my ass is gonna be on the couch, watching whatever football game I can find on TV.
Because to me, fall means #FOOTBALL.


It's been a long, dreary year of football drought. Come ye kegs, big screen tvs, jerseys, Tostitos, tailgates and nail-biter games.
I want to be clear, I joke at the basic girls participating in their autumn rituals, but that doesn't mean I'm not breaking out the Pumpkin Spice air freshener, or that I'm not excited to release my boots and scarves.
All I'm saying is that football > anything else you like about fall.


I'm probably the 8 millionth person to make fun of girls and fall, that's fine.


Enough talk about fall, we still, technically, have a little less than a month til summer is officially over. I ain't packing away my summer slut clothes quite yet.
I am hoping to get some outfit ideas up here for this transitioning time of the year. This blog is gonna be full of a whole bunch of random shit. #Yolo


So cheers! Get your vocal cords and cases of beer prepared,
#areyoureadyforsomefootball ???




EK

Well hello there!

Long long long looooonggg time since I've been on here.
Made some changes, tweaked some things. I am not a hormone-ridden, bitter teenager anymore. Hooray for that!

If you want to feel better about yourself, please, read my past posts. They embarrassed me, but they'll probably make you thankful you never published anything so dumb.

There is an abundance of social media out there now, more so than there was five years ago when I was writing on this. I needed to go somewhere where I could stretch my writing muscles. Something mildly more productive than scrolling through the endless media vomit. And hopefully my writing has improved.
The whole majoring in Professional Writing thing never panned out, but I'm hoping the couple classes I took during that time may have left some permanent impact. :)

I'm deciding in my first post, after my five year hiatus, that I have a goal to write one of my future posts entirely in Spanish. I have been learning more and more about the language over the past year; maybe it'll spice things up a bit.

I am not entirely familiar with this blog thing so bear with me. Feel free to follow me on Twitter @meandrunkwitch, and you can email me for my IG username if ya want! :)

People who pronounce grocery like 'grosery' instead of 'groshery' make me uncomfortable.

More to come, xo

EK