Mean. Drunk. Witch.

Not a totally inaccurate description of yours truly, I hate to admit. The year was 2010, I drank and partied literally, every day. My diet was McDonalds, Bud Light, and Burnette's, and I was a bitter shit show.

I broke up with my ex then felt entitled to be a huge bitch when he didn't want to get back with me. No worries, we got back together eventually. And boy did I reap what I had sowed! Nothing like living with your boyfriend, only to find out he's fucking around behind your back!

So I looked through his phone, sue me. He shouldn't have been a man whore. Don't give me a reason to look through your stuff you shady little shit head.

I'm not bitter.

Lol, anyway, back to 2010. Before all that cell phone drama, before living together, we were fresh out of our freshman year of college. I moved back in with my parents and went on a drunken rampage. Except, he was sleeping around, and I wasn't. And I was all butt hurt. Blah blah.

So I called him out. Like dude, we live in a small town, enough said.

"You're just a mean drunk witch," he messaged me via text.

I actually laughed out loud. Truuuuuuuuue.

"Thanks, I'mma use that as my twitter handle in 5 years."

Ok I didn't say that, but if I got anything out of our torturous 10 year saga (yes an actual 10 years on/off all wasted on one pos. Hey, you get together, get drunk, catch up, and...you know, woops) it was that name.

I thought it had a ring to it.

I was just remembering when I use to binge on Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, Five O'clock (UGH), Burnette's, the liquor list goes on. I feel like that's a more college thing. I'm in my mid 20s, I can't be going to pound town with the liquor anymore, unless I feel like dying and shitting my pants for 2 days straight.

Not usually high on my agenda. People who can drink liquor straight all the time I don't know about them. Like how? How do you survive life? Is your colon still in tact? Are you a human?

Not only can I not physically handle liquor, mentally I just get fuckin' crazy.

You want to see me get weird, hand me some gin and tonics and tell me about it tomorrow.

It really sickens me where America is now. Never working together towards a healthy, empathetic and loving goal. Always working against each other for money and/or power. Where did all these selfish, rude, and racist people come from? How is there so much support for such a pompous, insensitive megalomaniac?

If we all realized that once our current physical life is over, nothing will matter except how you treated others. What drives someone to hate a certain group of people, based off the actions of a small percentage of those people? Somehow we don’t all hate white mentally ill men. Whether you believe you’re doing it for the right reason, being prejudice, racist, rude, insulting, insensitive, or hurtful is NEVER right. How can people be filled with such hate and ignorance? Hate = ignorance. We need to build each other up, not break each other down.

There's many great things about America. I love it, but there are many not so great things. I hope we are all voting for equality, peace, and empathy next fall. The world has enough sadness, war, despair.... Don't fight fire with fire. We still have much to learn.


I know I may make jokes making fun of someone, but I don't mean anything as genuinely mean. I consider myself stereotypically observant.... But these other people are assholes. They need to gtfo.


cheers
-Kladge

Oh yeah, wrote the blog and forgot I needed a title :/

Since I am uncomfortably familiar with balling on a budget, I thought I would share my wisdom I have gained for saving money for the 2-3 people who actually read this. These are mainly for females, but I'm sure you conniving assholes out there can manipulate these tips to your advantage.


#TeamSingle Broke Tip 1: Date about 2-3 different guys, go out on dates 3-4 times a week. That covers 3-4 dinners every week that you won't have to pay for!
Broke Tip 2: For Tip 1 to work, DON'T DATE GUYS WHO ARE AS BROKE/BROKER THAN YOU. Big no no. Just stop.
Broke Tip 3: Break up with all these guys before Christmas. The reasons are obvious.
Broke Tip 4: OR marry the richest guy out of them all and be set for life.


Personally, I am not one who likes to depend on a guy for...well, anything actually. I am a self sufficient woman. A broke, sad, lonely woman, but independent!
Well I suppose I would probably be a smelly scraggly hobbit living under a bridge if it weren't for my dad. So I guess everything I just said there is a lie. I trust ONE guy and am far from self sufficient lololol.
Fuck.


Broke Tip 5: Live at home until you can afford not to.
I should have followed this tip and did not... probably why I'm so good at these broke tips....
My ex used to annoy me because he lived in his parents basement. I'm like you're 23 gtfo. He also annoyed me because he was a pompous egomaniac, who didn't have a car, license, nor the ability to satisfy in bed.
Did I say that? Oops.
Anyway, dating him was like dating a 12-year-old, so I flicked that terd out of my life. But I grew to understand that just because I didn't want to live with my parents doesn't mean other people should not want to save up and stay with theirs, for the time being.
Key words; "for the time being".
My ex was starting to remodel his parents basement to better fit his needs. I'm like ???? save that money and go get your own damn place? What the fuck are you thinking?


If a guy you date is in his early/mid 20s and still lives at home, give him a break.
If he's a 30-year-old dickhead piece of shit and uses his parents basement as a marijuana dispensary, well the hook up can be nice but if he's fully capable of venturing out on his own... what is he waiting for? Let's go.
Sorry, can you tell I know a guy just like that who I hate? Because I do. His whole family is just fucked and I'm not even sure how I got involved in all that.
Alcohol, I blame the alcohol.
I should've stabbed him and buried him in my back yard when I had the chance. Just a horrible human being we don't really need him.
Ok ok ok I would never actually stab and murder someone...at least I wouldn't admit it on here.
All right I am done with him...for this blog anyway.


My mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas the other day.
"Razors...and tampons."
"Do you want me to individually wrap each tampon?" she asked.
"Nah... you can if you want but I'm just gonna stick it in my vagina so -"
"Oh my god that's sick! I can't believe you're my daughter."
I gave her a sideways glance.
"Ok, maybe I can."
But I mean it's the truth, and they're already individually wrapped amirite?


Winter drinking hack: gloves can double as beer cozies.
Cheers
-Kladge/Mean drunk witch


Next blog I'll explain the mean drunk witch name sake ;)