Hello blog readers.
Probably no one will read this - I've decided to distance myself from Twitter and Facebook for Lent. (Lol, because I am extremely religious). I spend way too much time on that shit.
Those sites are like a god damn vortex they just suck you in. One second I'm just scrolling through my newsfeed, next second I'm stalking a brother of a cousin of a friend, clicking through pictures of their spring break vacation to Cancun back in 2009. "HOW DID I GET HERE WHAT?" And I click out like I'm not a total creep (I am). I know I'm not alone.
I usually "advertise" my blogs on Twitter. Ain't the case. But I'm content with writing for myself. My second major I had in college was professional writing. I like this shit, writing and junk. My grammar and verbage are superb, right?
I don't usually post about my blog on my facebook. Or actually, I have NEVER posted about my blog on facebook. I am friends with coworkers on there, and they don't need to know about my drunken redezvous.
Like with this guy I used to hang out with back in my bartending days. He's been trying to hit me up. I mean he's nice and everything, but I got this new cat and Idk, I would rather hang out with him tbh.
Anyway, this guy has moved closer to my turf, so I asked him where abouts. Turns out I know exactly where he lives, but he doesn't need to know that.
What was I gonna say? "Oh yeah the gray house? I used to fuck this guy who lived there - he would stay up til 6 am doing coke and grew a marijuana paradise in his basement. Good times."
Lol, Idk, in my experience, cocaine definitely helps the man in the bedroom. Just sayin'. It did in that circumstance - anyway!
So Valentines Day is coming up...I plan on getting day drunk/stoned with my cats and watching The Walking Dead. Idk, sounds way better than some flowers, chocolates and having to shave my legs. Shits a forest, Big Booty and I refer to shaving our legs as "deforestation". Gotta slash and burn that shit.
I've always been content with being single, considering I have spent the majority of my adult life being single. The older I get, I'm not getting annoyed that I'm single, I'm getting annoyed that everyone else isn't, or their social lives somehow cease to exist once a guy/girl shows up. I do have my single friends, bravo to them, but this shit got me all like, "WHO WAS THERE FIRST, HUH? HIM?! Nah bro, I WAS THERE, with a 24 pack of Bud Light, and jokes".
I'm a good fucking friend, better than that douche is at being aboyfriend (sucka). Just sayin'.
I'm 25 now and supposedly it's the status quo to be involved romantically with someone. During the past year it has become increasingly apparent that relationship status affects my social life.
Starting with last summer, I was invited to a work outing that allowed each employee to bring a significant other. My room mate/best friend is PRETTY DAMN SIGNIFICANT TO ME, so I wrote her name down, thinking nothing of it. She is just as much of a human as some stupid guy would be, plus way more fun.
My boss ended up texting me, saying that I wasn't allowed to bring her because we weren't dating.
WAY TO ASSUME, WHAT IF WE WERE? Ass, I ended up quitting, not entirely because of that, I just thought it was unfair. Oh, because I'm single I can't bring anyone? Whatever. So I ate and drank for two and got really fucked up lol. Good times.
The second thing that made me notice how single I am was me, trying to find someone to hang out with on the weekends.
Friend typical response: "Oh me and (stupid relationship partner) are doing this, are doing that forever and ever. I have a curfew now and can't operate without them so later."
I don't believe I'm biased in saying LIVE SEPARATE LIVES. I have a Bachelors in Psychology, I know what I'm talking about.
You can't come see me once in six months because you gotta
pluck your boyfriend's back hair? You see them all the fucking time! I'm sorry, but I still make appearances in my friends lives when I'm in a relationship, because I can balance.
I made a Sexual Saturday video about this - go see your friends. They miss you. I miss you guys, so crawl OUT of your boyfriends asshole and come get hammered with me. Or high, or just come brush my hair. I'll brush your hair too (I love that shit it feels good ok?).
Being in love is a great thing. It's rare, and should be truly appreciated. But not on Saturday night for fuck's sake throw me a bone (or a beer).
Don't worry, I'll be here to party your ass off when yall break up, or divorce, whatever.
The other night I was like I want to grab a drink. It's Wednesday, fuck it, I'm thirsty dammit. I'm trying to think of people who'd be down to get weird on a Wednesday, and I came up with zero.
No need to ask someone to hang out when I know they'll say "I can't tonight, my girlfriend and I are recreating 'two girls one cup', sorry." (To be fair, that is pretty much what anyone's excuse to not hang out translates to in my head. I'm like, "ew, later hater, that's fucked up").
And I thought, who is obligated to hang out with me no matter what (besides my sparkling room mates)?
My parents! They love to drink! I drove by their house - lights out. I'm thinking, "dammit, not even my parents can hang. I am so single." My best friends are my parents, now that my friends have been plucked away like back hair, by the love tweezers. Damn you love tweezers! Stop tweezing away my friends.
Weird analogy.
I mean, I'll admit, sometimes someone will ask me to hang out and I'll decline. That's because I got a real adult job and I'm fuckin' tired man, can't get as weird as I used to, at least during the week. It's not because I'm trying to get out of my boyfriend's rectum.
I am so single I've lost interest in cuddling, in sharing a bed with anyone besides my cat. If I sleep with a guy I'm like um ew, don't touch me, don't be near me, don't even fucking breathe. I do not want to sense them while I'm sleeping whatsoever. Apparently that's weird. I'm very particular about my sleep. If I ever did get married (LOL!!!!!!) I would be one of those people opting for separate bedrooms.
My third sign that I am extremely single was a message from a girl on Facebook. I like to think that I can be mildly intuitive when it comes to people, and I shit you not she was hitting on me. I'm like ok.., "I'm 25 and single has somehow translated to 'I'm a lesbian'." Nothing against the lesbians, but I am not one.
I like the penis, thank you. Honestly, the last thing I'd wanna date besides a guy is a GIRL. Girls are fucking insane. No thanks.
I replied to her email politely and that was that.
Fourth sign - I love my kitties, but when people ask; "Are you married? Have any kids?" And all I got as a response is "...I have two cats?"... kind of fucking lame but cats > humans.
But all in all, I am ok being single. I am ok that I have friends who are not. I enjoy spending my evenings petting my furry little loved ones. Maybe one day I will meet a guy I won't want to punch, stab, or kill.
xoxo
mdw
